Hi! Sorry I have not been on here in a while, I started a new blog cuz this one was very triggering. My new one is aspiringgymnast.tumblr.com
I have finally ditched him :) I officially broke up with him in February but we still continued to talk and hang out until I left for Spain in June. We still texted and skyped for the first week I was in Spain though, until I found out (for some reason it came up in conversation) that he had lied to me about his past and being a “relationship kind of guy” and he had actually slept with 50+ people and used to date 3 girls at a time in college…. This is the guy who told me I was a dirty whore for having a few casual sex partners while in college and subsequently abused me everytime he was reminded of that fact.
For some reason the lies hurt more than the past year+ of abuse. I don’t understand it. When I found it all out it seemed like he literally just hated me, he didn’t believe that ppl shouldn’t hook up or whatever, he just decided that I personally was a disgusting person and deserved to be punished- for doing exactly the same things he did. Also the lying made me doubt every little thing he had ever said to me, it kind of ruined the slightly romantic image in my head of how he fell in love with me. And I think my shitty self esteem finally came to terms with the fact that I *did not deserve this*, that it wasn’t my fault, that he is literally a psychotic asshole and it’s not because I’m a whore or a terrible person (because that’s what I still believe a little bit, deep down inside).
So after that all came out I just felt so awful inside everytime I thought about him, just so sad and hurt and embarrassed and everything, and I told him we shouldn’t talk anymore. He didn’t text me for about a month, and it wasn’t super hard to handle, it still hurt when I thought about him but it was less painful than continuing to talk to him. So he texted me about a month later asking if I still wanted to hook up when I got back from Europe and saying that he loves me etc etc and I just told him no and to please leave me alone. And I haven’t heard from him since :)
Last night at gymnastics practice the song Let It Go from Frozen came on and this girl started rolling around on the floor doing stupid choreography and when she was lying face down and this guy jumped on top of her and started dry humping her ass and everyone laughed and I had to go sit down for a minute I was so irritated with everything
That awful awful triggered feeling where it feels like your guts were just ripped out and in their place is all the shame, guilt, fear, and self-disappointment you’ve ever felt in your entire life.
That’s how I feel when I get triggered anyways.
I can’t do this. I hate being female. I hate going about my life knowing that almost everyone around me thinks that I’m inferior, weak, unintelligent, that nothing I do will matter, that I am a victim of how they think I should live my life, that I am not an autonomous being but rather a puzzle piece that they can use to design their ideal life. I hate not being taken seriously, ever. No matter if I stand up tall and work harder than anyone else and have all the credentials to prove that I am capable, more capable than most of them. No matter if I conform and make myself beautiful in order to manipulate them, or rebel against societal norms and become hostile. Either way they will never see me as a human being. If I stand up for myself they will ridicule me to my face and if I let the patriarchy walk all over my they will make sick jokes about me to their “bros”. I hate walking around remembering that the society that I live in views me the same way as the men who thought it was ok to force their way into my vagina simply because they wanted to be in there. I hate remembering those events and I hate having to deal with the self-destructive aftermath that resulted from me realizing that I am nothing more than an insect in their eyes, and now even less than an insect in my own. I hate myself and I hate my gender and I hate the world that I live in. I wish they had let me die of starvation when I was 14, so I wouldn’t have to go through the next 8 years of intense self-hatred and becoming even more of a victim to the perils of being female. I fucking hate it. I can’t talk about feminism, I can’t defend myself, because the entire world is so disgusting to me that I don’t want it to become a better place. I want it to end.
just because your idea of a good time is curling up with a book and hers is doing tequila shots does not make you a better person than her
it makes her a better person
It doesn’t make anyone a better person for fuckssake you completely missed the point of this post the point